


Her Sunken Dream

by runawaynun



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Angst, Divided Loyalties, F/F, S04e02, Wall Sex, post episode, secondary Chrisjen/Arjun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24296686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runawaynun/pseuds/runawaynun
Summary: Before Chrisjen leaves Mars, she arranges one last conversation with Bobbie.
Relationships: Chrisjen Avasarala/Bobbie Draper
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51





	Her Sunken Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to surena_13 for looking this over and pointing out some mistakes.

Chrisjen watched Bobbie’s back until she turned the corner and disappeared from view. Fuck. She usually was so good at reading people but had gotten caught up in the possibility of seeing Bobbie and showing those smug Martians what a fucking magnificent person she was. And then, as the night continued, she was going to steal her from them. If things had gone very well, and she had no doubts in her powers of persuasion and seduction, the night would end with the Martian in her bed. Her grand plans came to naught because she had been five steps ahead without securing the first.

As she descended the steps to return to the tedium of the state dinner, she understood this was the worst place to have brought Bobbie. She hated all this bullshit, even more than Chrisjen herself. She also had underestimated the amount Martian society detested Bobbie and nothing she could have done would have made those fucking idiot Dusters realize Bobbie’s actions had saved their goddamn precious red rock twice.

When she turned the corner to return to the dining hall, she made sure she had a pleasant, bland smile on her face. She had this evening to impress upon the Prime Minister and his generals how under no fucking circumstances should they interfere with the UN’s blockade of the ring gate. If the protomolecule didn’t scare the shit out of them, the fact that a quarter to a third of Mars’ population would pick up and go through those gates should.

So, she smiled and shook hands with generals who most definitely had at least three plans to kill her in the next war which they believed was inevitable. She made small talk with the Martian titans of industry and pretended that they knew more than she about how to exploit resources and make profits. In this way, it wasn’t so different than all the bullshit she had to do on Earth. The only things different were that the sky was fucking red and not a natural blue, and the recycled air was slightly stale to her senses.

Finally, the Martian prime minister placed his hand on her back and gently led her toward the exit where the special tram to take her to the UN’s embassy waited. She knew he was acting impatiently and practically rushing her out the door, but she couldn’t give a fuck. She had gathered what information she could out of the room and extracted a promise of not interfering with the UN’s blockade. Not that Mars would help. She could remain the stubborn, arrogant old woman standing in the way of progress while she did all the work to keep humanity safe. Christ, she loathed this job.

Arjun was already at the tram. She grasped his arm and allowed herself to drop her diplomatic mask. “My face hurts from all the fucking fake smiling I did tonight. But I was the perfectly behaved Secretary General - pleasant but with a few of my ‘eccentricities’ to keep the Dusters entertained.” She made a face as they entered.

“You are much more lovely than previous Secretaries General,” he replied with a smile.

She smiled, her genuine smile this time, and kissed his cheek. “Luckily, I’m impervious to all flattery except yours.”

Unfortunately, Diaz took this time to interrupt with more information about Nancy Gao’s new campaign for Secretary General. Nancy’s challenge was not unexpected. Chrisjen had already started her vast network of contacts digging for her secrets. It did not mean that it didn’t hurt. Chrisjen had rescued Gao from whatever backwater administrative North American post she had been in. But she knew loyalty was fickle when someone thought she knew what was best for Earth and humanity. Chrisjen had metaphorically slit the throats of some of her misguided would-be mentors herself.

Unfortunately, Gao’s agenda would result in the extinction of the human race. Chrisjen gripped the pad in her hands hard. “She’s so goddamn naïve.” She handed the pad back to Diaz. “Keep digging. I want something to fuck her over as soon as we get to Earth.”

She sat down with a sigh and rubbed her forehead. Not only did she have to run the fucking planet and keep billions of people safe, she was going to have to fucking campaign. Fuck.

Arjun sat next to her and ran his hand across her back. “How was Sargent Draper?” he asked her.

And bless him, he thought this would ease her worries. “She enjoyed her time with you. She did not enjoy me.”

The tram slowed and stopped in the UN Embassy. “Oh Chrisjen, I’m sorry,” he answered as the exited and they made their way to the residency.

Once there, Chrisjen poured herself a drink and took a large swallow. “I fucked up tonight with her. I should have never had her come that fucking dinner. I should have had her come here. I wanted to help her tonight and I ended up hurting her. Fuck!” She finished the rest of her drink.

He came to her and placed his hands on her shoulders while he kissed her forehead. “She’s important to you.”

Chrisjen nodded. She found that it was better for her to not get attached to many people. But Bobbie had wormed her way into her heart, not just her bed. The few messages Chrisjen had found time to send her from Earth had gone unanswered. She saw how miserable Bobbie was tonight and was willing to bet she had been since her court martial. 

“She misses you, too. She didn’t say it but she spent quite a bit of tonight trying to catch your eye. Why don’t you have her come over?”

“It’s late.”

“Since when have you ever cared about that? Send Valerie. She knows how to avoid Mars’ surveillance and cameras.”

She cupped his cheek in her hand. She was so fucking lucky that his man loved her and had broken through her defenses and busy life to make her realize she was more than her mask, more than her authority. Luckier still, that he allowed her need for Bobbie. “You’re right.” She picked up her personal comm and sent her instructions to her aide.

While she was waiting, Chrisjen removed her jewelry, paced and drank. She tried to read her messages from Earth, but couldn’t get herself to pay attention to grain allotments, water raids and the never fucking ending conflict in the remaining vestiges of the southern United States. The contents of Holden’s message still chilled her, but that meant she had to redouble her efforts to keep humanity safe from the protomolecule. Getting Bobbie’s help was central to her plans. She set her comm down with a clatter. “Fuck.”

In order to distract her, Arjun told her stories about his students and their wrestling with the foundational texts of human civilization in his seminar. It helped to let his voice wash over her, to focus her attention on something with such low stakes. He was in the middle of telling her about the student with an obvious crush on her when Valerie entered the room, Bobbie trailing behind her. “Ms. Draper.”

“Thank you, Valerie. You’re free for the rest of the night.” Chrisjen could see her aide’s eye twitch briefly. It was close to 0100. She nodded and left.

Bobbie stood there, arms crossed, trying to look bored, still wearing the outfit from the dinner. It was rumpled and as she looked closer, she noticed a smear of red against the white of her shirt. “Is that blood?” Chrisjen asked.

Bobbie looked down and noticed it apparently for the first time. She smirked. “It’s not mine.” That was all the emotion she let through before reverted back to what Chrisjen labeled her soldier’s mask. “You wanted to see me, ma’am? Sir?”

“I think it’s time for me to head to bed.” He stood up and kissed Chrisjen’s cheek. “It was nice to meet you, Bobbie.”

Bobbie nodded. ”Likewise, sir.”

In the silence that followed after he left, Chrisjen assessed the situation and tried to plan a strategy to get through to Bobbie. She ignored the part of her that wanted to drag the Martian to bed. That clearly wasn’t going to work now, Bobbie still full of the adrenaline of whatever fight she had been in. She poured herself and Bobbie a drink, and handed Bobbie the glass. Bobbie took a drink and grimaced slightly as it went down. “Ma’am, with all due respect, what the fuck do you want?”

Chrisjen allowed herself a slight smile. She enjoyed that Bobbie was never intimidated by her, unlike so fucking much of humanity. “Not here. Let’s go in the office.” Bobbie followed her in and then Chrisjen closed the door behind them. “I know this room isn’t bugged. But just in case.” She swiped at the control panel on the wall and the sounds of a Bach concerto filled the room.

Bobbie set the tumbler down on Chrisjen’s desk with a thud. “So once again Mars can see I’m your little lap dog, coming whenever you call.”

Chrisjen pursed her lips. So much for her plan of going slow and winning Bobbie over through gentle persuasion. Bobbie still wanted a fight. Fine. She’d give her one. “And yet you came here, knowing the risks.”

“Your assistant didn’t really give me a chance to say no.”

“Cut the bullshit. You’re twice her size. You’re here because you’re fucking curious.”

Bobbie shifted her weight and crossed her arms in front of her. “I’m not going to spy on Mars for you.”

“Like I could learn anything from damn demolition tech that my own spy network couldn’t tell me.” She noticed hurt cross Bobbie’s face. Her transition to civilian life was a demotion in her eyes and Chrisjen agreed. “Come work for me. On Earth.”

“Earth?” Bobbie spluttered. “I don’t want to stand around your office, protecting you while you scheme and hold your purse when you leave.”

“I don’t want that. That’d be a fucking waste.” 

“Then what – "

“You’d be a special military advisor for the UN armed forces.”

“No.” Bobbie shook her head. “I’m not going to fight my own.”

Goddamnit, this was so frustrating. Not even Bobbie could see past the old paradigm of Earth against Mars. “You wouldn’t. You’d be creating and running a department focused on the protomolecule threat.”

“I’m not a goddamn scientist.”

“I don’t need a scientist. I already have them. I need soldiers. You’ve gone face-to-face with the protomolecule twice and lived. I need someone who won’t look past its danger to find comfort in fighting the last war, which all of the fucking admirals in UNN want to do.”

“But you’re Secretary General. Can’t you make them?”

Chrisjen shook her head. “To them, I’m just some meddling old woman, who understands nothing. They’ll set up a department and fill it with most fucking incompetent assholes they can find, so they can dismantle it in a year or so. No, I need someone who understands.” She held out her hands, willing Bobbie to see how important, how vital this was. “I need you, Bobbie.”

Bobbie stood silent for a moment with a look of anguish on her face. “I can’t betray my home.”

Anger flashed in Chrisjen. “It looks like your home has fucking betrayed you. They should be on their knees thanking you for saving this fucking miserable rock. Instead they treat you like shit. You don’t deserve this, Bobbie.”

“All work is work for a better Mars.”

“And I’m asking you to use your actual skills to make a better universe.” Chrisjen felt Bobbie’s defenses weaken. She placed her hand on Bobbie’s forearm. “Help me, Bobbie.”

Bobbie didn’t pull away. That gave Chrisjen more confidence. “I can’t,” she replied.

“I miss you.” And maybe it was dirty to play on Bobbie’s emotions but it was also the goddamn truth. Even with her always busy schedule, there were times that she missed Bobbie so much her chest ached. Everything she said about Bobbie’s skills and abilities and rightness for the job she offered her was true, but she couldn’t deny to herself that she selfishly wanted Bobbie back near her. Somewhere where she could talk to her without sending a fucking video message.

She watched Bobbie’s face as it cycled through a myriad of emotions: sadness, confusion, frustration, desire. Suddenly, she brought her hands up to Chrisjen’s face, capturing her in a bruising kiss. Startled but pleased, Chrisjen grasped her shoulders and kissed her back eagerly. Bobbie moved her backwards, kissing her like she thought Chrisjen would disappear, until Chrisjen’s back hit the wall of her office.

Bobbie moved to kissing Chrisjen’s jaw, drawing a low moan from her. Chrisjen tried to unfasten Bobbie’s top, but Bobbie grabbed her wrists and pinned them. She ran her mouth down the line of Chrisjen’s neck before placing a bite on her exposed collarbone. “It’s a fucking good thing tomorrow’s outfit has a high neckline.”

“Too bad,” Bobbie murmured before sucking a red stripe down from her collarbone to where her mouth ran into the collar of Chrisjen’s jacket. Bobbie let go of her wrists to undo the few buttons of her jacket and Chrisjen chuckled when Bobbie let out a gasp of surprise when she only encountered a strapless bra underneath it. She looked up at Chrisjen’s face in both consternation and wonder. “No unwrapping layers tonight?” she asked as she unhooked the bra and removed it.

Chrisjen smirked. “I thought you might enjoy that.” But any impulse she had to gloat went away when Bobbie leaned down and captured her breast in her mouth. Chrisjen wound her fingers in Bobbie’s hair to hold her there. Fuck. She had missed Bobbie’s mouth on her, the way she could find ways to make her come undone.

Bobbie moved her hand down Chrisjen’s stomach and tried to slip it into her pants. She let out a sound of frustration. “These pants are impossible.” 

The pants may have been a slight miscalculation but Chrisjen knew how good she looked in them. “Couldn’t make this too fucking easy for you,” she said as she squirmed against Bobbie’s hand and she moved it between her thighs.

Continuing to rub between Chrisjen’s legs, Bobbie kissed Chrisjen again. Chrisjen responded hungrily, hips moving in time with Bobbie’s hand. And fuck this teasing, she needed more. She wanted Bobbie’s fingers, her mouth, her tongue. On her. With no layers between. She pulled away from Bobbie’s kiss reluctantly. “Stop fucking teasing me.”

Bobbie smiled and kissed her again. “Help me get these fucking pants off.”

“Fine. Get these shoes off.”

Bobbie knelt down before her and pulled off first one of her shoes and then the next. Chrisjen peeled both her pants and her underwear over her hips, Bobbie helping ease them down before throwing them across the room.

Bobbie kissed the side of Chrisjen’s knee and placed a line of kisses on her thighs. Chrisjen’s breath hitched as she moved upward. Bobbie hesitated until Chrisjen muttered “For fuck’s sake, Bobbie, please.”

And then Bobbie’s mouth was on her and fuck she had missed this so goddamn fucking much. Chrisjen moaned and her head fell backward against the wall. When Bobbie changed the angle by coaxing one of her legs on her shoulder, one of Chrisjen’s hands tangled itself in Bobbie’s hair and the other flailed along the wall, searching in vain for something to hold onto. “Fuck,” she moaned.

She was lost to the sensation. There was no Earth, no Mars, no protomolecule. There was only Bobbie’s mouth and the growing heat in her stomach. And as the sensations grew, she hoped she wasn’t smothering Bobbie as she pressed her closer. But even that thought fled her mind as her body grew tighter and tighter, until Bobbie brought her to the brink. She felt Bobbie catch her as her legs gave out and her orgasm overtook her.

When she recovered, Chrisjen found herself on the floor, Bobbie out of arm’s reach, her back against the desk in the room. Bobbie was wearing the same face she had when she told Chrisjen she was going back to Mars to face a court martial. “You’re not going to work for me,” she stated.

Bobbie shook her head. “I can’t.” Chrisjen moved to reach out toward her. “Please, don’t, ma’am. If you touch me, I’ll - "

When Chrisjen heard that and she wanted to touch her, to walk over to her and kiss her, to make sure she’d stay with her. But she knew that if she did that, Bobbie would resent her and she’d lose her forever. In the silence, Bobbie stood up and made her way to the door of the office. “Mars doesn’t fucking deserve you.”

Bobbie looked at her, pleading. “Could you abandon Earth, even if Earth rejected you?”

“No, I couldn’t.” She knew this would always be a stumbling block for them. Their loyalty and love for their homes would always come first.

Bobbie’s soldier mask slipped back on. “Good night, ma’am.”

“Good night, Bobbie.”

“I’ll contact you when I’m ready to.”

Chrisjen nodded and Bobbie left. She sat in the chill of her office and listened as Bobbie made her way out of the residency. Shit. She needed to get up, get some sleep, get ready to fight for a job she never fucking wanted to keep Earth safe. She made herself get up off the floor, her body protesting its time on the floor. She pulled her jacket closer to her as she gathered up the rest of her clothing scattered in the room. (Wouldn’t want to frighten the staff with the idea that the old lady fucked.) She headed towards the bathroom to shower and then to return to the job and the responsibilities that only she could do, the weight of the universe on her shoulders.


End file.
